Redefining success

So I decided I wanted to blog about my most recent therapy session. By the way, I'm back in therapy and it's been interesting this time around. I have recently learned that I have ADHD. Something I've learned about ADHD is that it can often come with other things. I am lucky enough to have anxiety on top of it and the depression I already knew I had. I decided to go see about these issues because my 2nd son has anxiety and ADHD. I've also taken my oldest and youngest to see a Neuropsychologist and strangely enough they both have ADHD too and my youngest has dyslexia. I have learned that all of these things are hereditary, which is so fun for us.

Because of all of these things, my therapist told me I may need to redefine my ideas of what success means. 

ADHD is defined as behavioral: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restrain, or persistent repetition of words or actions. Cognitive: absent-mindedness, difficulty focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, or short attention span. Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement, or mood swings. Most of these things happen in my house on a daily basis and I'm working on the skills to deal with them right now. The definition of success is, the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. When someone with ADHD "squirrels" it's hard to pull them back to finish what they're currently working on. 

Last night we were helping our youngest read a book. Learning that he has dyslexia should hopefully help us with this, but trying to read a 10 page book, with a tiny paragraph on it and very few words, took us over an hour to do. I discussed this with my therapist and he asked if I thought that he got anything out of that hour. I said he probably got some of it, but I've learned with my older kids that once their attention is gone, it's really hard to bring it back. He suggested that maybe realizing that reading just one page was a success, especially because for right now his ADHD and dyslexia aren't being treated yet. Once we can learn skills to help him with these things, we can raise our expectations of success, but until then, this might have to do.

Redefining success for myself is not determining my own success on how well my kids do in school. It is letting them learn to solve their own problems. I can't swoop in and save the day every time they have a problem or a missing assignment, if they can't learn how to have accomplishments and failures at this young age, how are they going to be able to cope with these things as adults? If I don't teach them, then they'll get to that point and not have the skills to deal with it on their own. Of course I'm still their mom and I am still here to teach them, but they need to learn for themselves.

If you want to read more about these things, the Wikipedia page for adhd and dyslexia are really informative. I'm.also including information about generalized anxiety disorder and depression.

ADHD
Dyslexia
GAD, aka Geralized anxiety disorder
Depression
PMDD, aka Pre mestrual dismphoric disorder

Responsibility

I was talking to a friend once about how she was approached by a neighbor and told that she needed to dress more modestly because she was an example to her daughter. I was just thinking about what that means to me.
I realized that it is not the responsibility of anyone in my child's life to be their example. It is mine. It's my job to show and teach them what my expectations are. It is my job to teach them that everyone has their choices. We may not always agree with them but it is their choice.
If I want to teach my kids a particular modesty standard for dressing, I teach them. I don't rely on someone else. If I want to teach them about consequences for choices, whether it be drugs, sex or anything else they will come up against, it's my job. I chose to have my kids, I need to take the time to at least teach them and then let them make their choices.
I understand that we all judge people by a first glance or we judge by our standards, but that doesn't mean we are better than them or that our standards are more correct then theirs. It means that we can disagree and still be charitable loving human beings.
So far this year is full of epiphanies for me and I hope that I can be that good example to my kids.

What a beautiful year it has been. It was the year to gain weight, run a half marathon, a few relays, hit our 1 year house anniversary, get one more kid in school, and actually meet all my neighbors. I haven't been on my blog in so long and I'm sure people have missed me :-) Especially because no one reads it.

So, I kind of had a discovery this year. Did you know that your body burns about 1200-1400 calories just sitting around? Crazy huh? Did you know that a lot of "diets" that are suggested to people are about 900-1200 calories a day? Yea, kind of stupid. I figure that's why I quit losing weight. This year was all about eating enough. You know what can happen to your body when you start eating enough and still exercising but giving your body a break and some time to heal? You can gain weight. I gained 28lbs this year trying to retrain it and let it know that I will be nice to it and feed it.

I started working on this in December and finally this October I am down to a 26lb gain. Crazy, yes, but it had to be done. One crappy side effect was my running speed went down. I went from a 10 min mile to a 13 min mile. It's getting better, but carrying around more weight takes some getting used to when running. I'm still running 3 days a week and lifting 4-6 days, depending on my mood. I try to get in 1 day of yoga and I love it. I love that I have energy and feel good. I love that I no longer put any foods off limits. If I want a candy bar, I have one. I don't go all out of control. I listen to my body. I let my do the talking. This didn't come easy, but it came.

I feel like this is kind of how I do things. I start out all out of control, read everything I can, push it to the extreme and then a couple years later I ease up. I've done this with money/budget stuff, birthing information, and now exercise and nutrition. I love the moderation in all things and am wondering what my next obsession will be :-) I am still working on accepting my body even if I'm not the weight I think I should be. That one has been years in the process, but I hope to get there, soon.

Winter blues

I know it's been a while and I feel bad about coming and whining but I just can't take it anymore! I've mentioned how I've dealt with depression before, but it's gotten better with exercising regularly. I used to get it really bad in the winter but we've had such mild winters recently that I haven't noticed a big problem. This year is different. It's been below freezing all month. It snowed a lot 3 weeks ago and we keep getting inversion after inversion. I can't see the sun and I'm pretty sure my body is craving vitamin D. I know I could just take a supplement but I want some good old sun!

We actually went to Disneyland over Christmas break and it was cold. They got frost a couple nights and I wore my sweater and coat the entire time. I'm not supposed to leave freezing cold snow and go to not as cold for a vacation! Of course they are having 70 degree weather now that I'm not there.

The most amazing thing about all this is that it used to take me forever to realize I was off. I would stew and hate everyone and everything around me for months! I would just blame myself for being so sad all the time and that I must be doing something wrong, but now I am able to see it faster. I'm again realizing I don't hate my body. It does wonderful things for me. I can walk, run, lift weights, and hug my husband and kids. I am still worth something, even if I don't clean my house every day. I don't have to be the funniest person or the prettiest. I just have to be me. It only took me 1 week of complete and utter orneriness to figure it out. I have to say, that's impressive.

So, what am I going to do about it? Try to notice when I can feel the frustration boiling up. Give myself some time outs. Probably eat some ice cream and go shipping. Continue exercising 6 days a week. Share my feelings and apologize when I feel out of control. I can't control the weather. I can only control myself and I'm going to do my best to do that without beating myself up over it.

Judging

Is there a reason women, or I guess people in general, feel they have to judge others? You have the mom, who is perfectly dressed, children all nice and clean and we feel we have to judge her for that. Another mom works 8 hour days, feeds her kids out of a box, and we judge her. Another mom goes to the gym 7 days a week and only seems to focus on herself. Again, the judging. A woman not being very social and really quiet in social situations, or even never getting invited to those social situations. A stay at home mom who gets the mail in her robe at 4:00 in the afternoon and still has a sink full of dishes. She must just sit on the couch doing nothing.

Why the judgments? Am I really far more superior in my own world than she that I feel like I know what is best for her? Is how I'm doing things so much better than how she is living her life? Maybe we as women can support each other and love one another. Maybe we can see that maybe she has depression. Maybe she doesn't have any sort of self esteem. Maybe she actually loves herself and is comfortable in her skin. Maybe she has a horrible relationship with her spouse and she just needs someone to talk to and understand her. I am beyond frustrated with seeing how much we judge each other.

There was a recent news article about a lot of places banning kids under 6. The comments in the article went off on parents and how no one disciplines their kid these days. They just need a swat on the butt. What do these people know?! They don't know what this mom is going through. They don't know if this mom they see at the store with a tantrumming child hasn't seen her husband in a week because he's in school and she's having to take care of everything herself. This child is teething and even if they did nap, they still get cranky. At some point the grocery shopping has to get done. Is someone going to just come over and do it for her. Life goes on, and it has to.

Instead of judging each other, why don't we get out there and actually be there for each other. Realize we're all in different stages in our lives. We're also all in different places in our life lessons. Yes, there are going to the the moms who really don't care about their kids or whatever, but we can still support them and take care of each other instead of always tearing the other woman down for what we think they must be thinking.

Late night conversations

Tonight Ryan and I were talking about what it was like before coming to earth. We believe in that kind of stuff, so this was normal. I asked if he thought that we chose our trials because I have heard that before. We came up with an idea. Maybe there is a menu of trials. Poverty, diseases, physical challenges. Stuff like that. I asked because I am pretty sure I have something called PMDD. I'm sure men who read this probably don't want to know about this, but it stands for Premenstrul Dysphoric Disorder. It's different from PMS because depression is included. I have mentioned how I have had many different depression issues and I seem to have found ways around them, but it seems since I have gotten this stupid womanly cycle back that I am depressed a week out of every month. It only took me a year to figure it out :-P It also took me that long to realize I had post partum, so this shouldn't shock anyone.

I haven't been tested or diagnosed with this, but I'm pretty sure it's what is going on with me. I can get really irrational and think everyone is out to get me. I hate myself and everyone around me and I think everyone hates me. I get really sad and lonely even when I'm with people. As soon as the period hits, the depression and all the symptoms are gone and I'm completely normal for the next 3 weeks. It's really kind of frustrating, especially if you're my friend and I have your cell phone. I will send pretty pathetic texts. I think I've even lost a few friends and written some posts during these weeks.

When I did some research online about this disorder, it said it's very hard to test for. There are some things you can do. You can go on an anti depressent. Maybe try vitamin B or go on a birth control. I've asked Ryan if I should look into getting tested. I mean why not? Let's add to my list of issues! This is where our pre earth life discussion comes in. Do we choose our trials or are just given them? If we picked them, then I must have thought the mental issues would be better than the physical ailments. I remember when we had our second and I was so depressed all the time, I had a friend who was having a hard time getting and staying pregnant. I asked her several times why I had the challenge of getting pregnant and she had the challenge of not. It was a really hard time for both of us and I was grateful I had her to help me through that time.

I asked Ryan what his challenge was that he may have picked out, and we agreed it was taking care of a crazy wife :-) It's an interesting emotional roller coaster but I know some day I can figure out how to get through it. I mean noticing the problem and doing something about it are what matter. I thik I'm going to at least talk to my midwife about it and see what she thinks.  Either that or figure out how to be less crazy one week every month. I'd really like that because sometimes I can say pretty stupid things during this week and I really hate it when I'm passed it. It's kind of frustrating being that crazy person who just 'whines' all the time. I really don't mean to! I mean, I don't want to get diagnosed so I can use it as an excuse, I just want to be normal and happy the whole month through! Is that too much to ask?

The next step

I want to start by saying how my cleanse went. I lost 7 lbs and 8.5 inches all in 9 days. I have been able to keep 5 of the lbs off and am still working on my last 13. I went in for my regular physical appointment and realized I actually have lost 13 lbs in a year. I guess I am doing better than I thought. The cleanse I did is this if you're interested, take a look. I'm pretty sure I've become addicted to this working out stuff. I miss it when I can't do it! It's so weird how ornery I can get when I don't get my exercise in :-) In a couple weeks I'll run in my first relay of the year. Two Saturdays ago I ran my first half marathon. It was a pretty amazing experience and made me decide I will someday run another half marathon. I don't plan on ever running a marathon, but I could do another half. I'm excited for all the relays but I'm also excited for my next step in the weight loss journey. I'm going to do a 12 week challenge by a fitness person on bodybuilding.com. I can't remember if I've brought it up before but I think it will really help. It's all set up with the food and exercise but for the first four weeks, there's no cardio. My plan is to start it the Monday after the Wasatch Back Ragnar in June. I would take a week off anyway, so this way it would just be an extra 3 weeks added on to it. I've seen peoples results from it. The nice thing is that the plan is free and free is good, especially when you're cheap, like me! Anyway, her name is Jamie Eason and it's the livefit plan. Check it out!