Tonight Ryan and I were talking about what it was like before coming to earth. We believe in that kind of stuff, so this was normal. I asked if he thought that we chose our trials because I have heard that before. We came up with an idea. Maybe there is a menu of trials. Poverty, diseases, physical challenges. Stuff like that. I asked because I am pretty sure I have something called PMDD. I'm sure men who read this probably don't want to know about this, but it stands for Premenstrul Dysphoric Disorder. It's different from PMS because depression is included. I have mentioned how I have had many different depression issues and I seem to have found ways around them, but it seems since I have gotten this stupid womanly cycle back that I am depressed a week out of every month. It only took me a year to figure it out :-P It also took me that long to realize I had post partum, so this shouldn't shock anyone.
I haven't been tested or diagnosed with this, but I'm pretty sure it's what is going on with me. I can get really irrational and think everyone is out to get me. I hate myself and everyone around me and I think everyone hates me. I get really sad and lonely even when I'm with people. As soon as the period hits, the depression and all the symptoms are gone and I'm completely normal for the next 3 weeks. It's really kind of frustrating, especially if you're my friend and I have your cell phone. I will send pretty pathetic texts. I think I've even lost a few friends and written some posts during these weeks.
When I did some research online about this disorder, it said it's very hard to test for. There are some things you can do. You can go on an anti depressent. Maybe try vitamin B or go on a birth control. I've asked Ryan if I should look into getting tested. I mean why not? Let's add to my list of issues! This is where our pre earth life discussion comes in. Do we choose our trials or are just given them? If we picked them, then I must have thought the mental issues would be better than the physical ailments. I remember when we had our second and I was so depressed all the time, I had a friend who was having a hard time getting and staying pregnant. I asked her several times why I had the challenge of getting pregnant and she had the challenge of not. It was a really hard time for both of us and I was grateful I had her to help me through that time.
I asked Ryan what his challenge was that he may have picked out, and we agreed it was taking care of a crazy wife :-) It's an interesting emotional roller coaster but I know some day I can figure out how to get through it. I mean noticing the problem and doing something about it are what matter. I thik I'm going to at least talk to my midwife about it and see what she thinks. Either that or figure out how to be less crazy one week every month. I'd really like that because sometimes I can say pretty stupid things during this week and I really hate it when I'm passed it. It's kind of frustrating being that crazy person who just 'whines' all the time. I really don't mean to! I mean, I don't want to get diagnosed so I can use it as an excuse, I just want to be normal and happy the whole month through! Is that too much to ask?
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