House shopping

We're house hunting again. I'm pretty sure we're going to actually buy one this time but I have a disturbing trend. Disturbing to Ryan. I don't ever just want the house we go to. Like I don't feel this overwhelming 'I have to have this house' that I'm waiting for. I find something wrong with almost every single one.

Last spring when we looked, we put two offers on 2 different houses in the same day. A lot of people were shocked by that but the market is just not the same as it once was. 1 house was a short sale, which can take FOREVEVER to know if you got the house. The other was a bank owned. Those go faster, but basically to the highest bidder. We didn't offer any higher, so we didn't get the house. The short sale, we never heard anything back from, so I assume we didn't get it.

The day after both these bids were made, I freaked out! I just wasn't sure if we were ready. Were those the houses I was willing to settle down in? Is that where I really wanted to raise my kids? What if people don't like me? What if it's too close to the freeway? What if it's too close to the hill. What if the water table is too high? What if it's built on sand? The AC is going to break right after we move. We'll need to replace the flooring because the pipes will break, the house will flood and we'll have to replace all the carpet and pipes. These are all the things that run through my head. It seriously drives Ryan nuts that I'm so paranoid, about everything.

It's a huge decision! I hate debt. If I had it my way, we'd buy when we have 100% down! Obviously Ryan doesn't want to wait that long and he falls in love with every house we get close to buying. This year, we did it again. We put an offer on 2 different houses, on the same day. One was a HUD home, the other was owned. We heard the next day that we didn't bid high enough for the HUD home and then promptly Sunday night, I freaked out. What if it's not time for us to move yet. One son is getting baptized this year. I don't want to move him to a new neighborhood where he doesn't know anyone. Then there's scouts. They'll do the pinewood derby, but not with their friends. I'm just ruining their lives and taking them away from what they know! What's wrong with me?!

The owner house counter offered and we said no thank you. A half hour later, Ryan found a lot with the foundation already in but no house built. He has fallen in love with it again and I'm freaking out, again. I love the layout but I just get back into my 'what ifs' and can't seem to stop. If it's right, shouldn't I just immediately fall in love with it? Ok, probably not. This actually reminds me of my dating relationship with Ryan. I liked him, then he liked me a lot, then I freaked out, then thought I might not get him, and I wanted him back. Basicallly I'm someone who wants what they can't have but then when I'm finally offered it, I freak out and think I didn't actually want it to begin with.

So there, the moral of this story is I freak out and when I get what I want, it doesn't matter because I'm not really sure I really wanted it in the first place. Wow, I may need some therapy :-) please tell me I'm not the only paranoid person.

I know we'll find the perfect house, it's just hard to feel so lost when Ryan feels so sure! I want to feel that sure about this too.

Dealing with death

Ryan's grandpa is dieing. He has been sick with Alzheimer's for the past 2.5 years. It's interesting because we were planning his 80th birthday when they realized he wasn't doing well. I say interesting because in 2004 we were planning my grandpa's 80th birthday party when he had a stroke, out of no where, and was in the hospital for a couple weeks, was transferred to a care facility and died a couple days later. I was there at the hospital with my grandpa after and it was a good time for my family and extended family to spend that time together. He wasn't conscious but I felt like it was a good experience for the family.

It's been such a different experience with Ryan's grandpa. He went into this care facility and we haven't gone to see him at all. He came to a Christmas party a year ago, but I haven't seen him since. My great grandparents were in a facility when my great grandma got alzeimers. I remember visiting her and my mom usually had to bring her back to the room. It was such a different experience for me.

I feel like I've dealt with death a few times throughout my life. I've had friends die, friends parents, grandparents, great grand parents, and uncles. I want to be as involved as I can because I miss them but this standing off is new to me. I am going tomorrow to say good bye to his grandpa. He is one of the most kind hearted amazing men I've known. I have loved him as a grandpa from the very beginning. I will miss him terribly and I just want to have my opportunity to say goodbye to him properly, when he is still here with us. I feel like I missed out on that opportunity with my own grandpa being he wasn't really there after the stroke. I want to do it this time.

Weight loss

I really thought if I just started exercising, I would lose all the weight, really fast. I only had 25lbs to lose, how hard could it be?! In the beginning, I lost 5lbs, really fast. Then I lost another 5lbs, then gained it back, then lost it again, and gained it back. After the beginning of this year, I started counting my calories. I wanted to make sure I was getting the right amount. I lost 4lbs right away. Then I gained them back, then lost 2 and finally 3. I've measured myself, and I lost an inch in a month. I know something is going on, but it can be frustrating to feel like I work so hard but don't see results.

I won't quit. I wonder if the weights have anything to do with it, but I will not quit. I've come so far and registered for so many races, that I will have to take my 8lb loss and be happy! I need to appreciate all my body has done for me and still does for me every day. I can walk, I can play with my kids without getting tired. It's a huge accomplishment to run all the races I have run!

Something else unexpected that has come out of this is I've realized I'm a like or hate person. I know, weird huh, but bare with me. I'm an honest, blunt person. I say what I think. I have the way I do things and how I want to do things and I won't apologize for it. OK, that's a lie. Sometimes I do apologize for it but I still feel the way I do. I have learned that rubs people the wrong way. For some reason if I don't agree with you, that means I'm judging you. It can't be further from the truth! I have my beliefs but I would never judge someone else for the choices they make in their life. I don't have to like everything you do just like you don't have to like everything I do.

I tie this into exercise because since I started exercising, I have gained a confidence in myself. I am realizing everyone doesn't have to like me. That's OK! I don't have to be everyone's friend and if we have issues that you don't want to resolve with me, I can't make you resolve them. I am still me and you are still you and I can't force you to like me. It's been a long time coming that I realize this because when I was younger, I was always the neutral person. I didn't want to make waves. Now I don't offend people on purpose, but I have to be me. I can't be scared of backlash for feeling the way I do about anything.